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Current Affairs

A Magazine of Politics and Culture

The Rich Hippie’s Guide to Happiness

Life isn’t all diamond-infused cocktails and teleporting to private islands, even for the rich and famous!

Housing crisis got you “bummed”?

If you find yourself houseless, don’t despair. You can build your own shelter out of upcycled billiard tables, artisanal twigs, and Goop© from Goop©.

Alternatively: Consider becoming one with the elements.

Depressed? Lacking energy?

Spiritual motivation can wax and wane, especially during these difficult times. If you find yourself struggling with dark thoughts, anger, or a fatalistic sense that the planet is doomed, take a break: spend a few days on your super-yacht.

Alternatively: No yacht of your own? Try a friend’s!

Feeling “braindrained”?

Even the most creative among us need to recharge now and then. If you still don’t have a MentalMesh™ with turboport charging capacity, there are a number of quick, efficient ways to boost your brain juices. Consider your household employees: they’re probably walking around with an excess amount of cranial fluid. Drain it at once to improve both your creative capacity and their mental health.

Alternatively: For a naturalistic approach that doesn’t
require a brain-stent and restraints, consider topping off with your employees’ blood rather than their brain fluid. According to Dr. Liz Batori of the Wallachia Clinic, “Traditional remedies often carry a lot of wisdom.”

Crushed? Canceled? Overwhelmed? Done in by the barrage of information and events?

The mob comes for everyone eventually. Whether you’re being attacked by trolls on social media or by the native population of the island you bought for a very reasonable price, it doesn’t matter: everyone deserves a place where they feel safe. Maybe the masses are upset about some offhand remark, a controversial political stance, or the mysterious disappearance of the young people who have gone to serve in your villa: in any case, you owe it to yourself to detox and log off. Try locking your phone and tablet in your safe room. If that doesn’t work, festoon your barricades with hurricane fencing and robot murder dogs. What’s really important is that you take some time and space for yourself. Stop trying to do everything for other people!

Alternatively: Have you considered burning it all down? “Fire,”
said a horned and naked spiritual guru I either met or imagined at
Burning Man, “is Planet Earth’s most natural cleanser.”

Wellness concerns? Gnawing pit in your stomach?

Hunger is a real struggle when dieting, or when you’ve been hustling from gig to gig with no time for caloric intake. Feed your sense of accomplishment by reflecting on the benefits of intermittent fasting.

Alternatively: Tamp down that contentious sense of eating-disfulfillment with an infusion of honey, agave, and fermented cordisia juice. Don’t skimp on this: get real cordisia berries, and grind them to paste by hand. Your health matters!

Stressed? Suspicious? Even—as some have begun to say—paranoid?

Art by Esther Lalanne

There’s a quick way to ensure that the people around you can be trusted. Download a rating app of your choice—we recommend Friendlet and Numeró— and encourage everybody to download it into their mandatory friendship bracelet. Once they have a rating app, you’ll be able to inform them in real time just how much you like and trust them. That should keep everyone on their toes.

Alternatively: For exceptionally difficult entourages, consider poison.

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