Aliens—are they among us? The question has poked the brains of humankind for æons. But at last we have a definitive answer: yes, probably, and a bunch of them are most likely socialists.
Here is everything you need to know about the egalitarian extraterrestrials who have slipped the bonds of their respective surly planets and ventured out to explore the stars:
The pacifistic and pleasure-seeking Fungora reproduce by budding, preferably when situated on an inorganic, metallic structure. They take a particular pleasure in budding on top of capitalist-owned factories and slowly crushing them with their weight. Once a Fungora finds the structure of its romantic dreams, it cannot be removed.
Unkillable. If you shoot them with metallic bullets, they like it. A lot.
Like the Fungora, the enormous Cephastiens are attracted to large, inorganic structures—but not sexually. Their arms—which at full growth may reach the size of small galaxies—have been known to destroy military space stations and even nuclear weapons fired from Dyson spheres. It remains unclear if the Cephastiens consider military installations to be a threat, or possess military ambitions of their own. They may simply love to smash.
Cephastiens are very slow-moving. The one currently bound on a course for Earth is unlikely to arrive until 2163.
Known as the “peacock” aliens, Pavaro possess long, lush tails and pointed beaks. They also share the peafowl tendency to develop a marked, profound dislike for a person or persons. In the case of the Pavaro, they seem to particularly dislike cops. As committed anarchists, when a group of Pavaro encounters any manner of alien police or police agents, they will simply roll over and squash them to death.
Pavaro also thoroughly enjoy parties and costuming. Their Mardi Gras krewe (established 2024) is widely said to provide some of the most delightful floats and entertainments of the Mardi Gras season.
ZABBER-CRAB (Z’BAN Z’BAT)
The hardened exoskeleton of the Z’Ban Z’Bat (better known as the Zabber-crab) has given rise to the popular myth that the Z’Ban Z’Bat is made of metal. In fact, like many crustaceous species, the Zabber-crab simply enjoys the act of collecting. In particular, the Z’Ban Z’Bat is interested in garbage, or rather, that which other species might define as garbage, which the Z’Ban Z’Bat then pick up and turn into highly complex art. They are commonly found in space, cleaning the universe by peacefully collecting metal debris, often left behind in the slow, lazy wake of the Cephastiens.
The Z’Ban Z’Bat bear no relation to the crabs of Earth, or indeed the many iterations of crab throughout the known galaxies. However, as Professor Şşa Koraşa of Tau Ceti put it in his 2030 Remarks: “the arc of the living universe is long but it bends toward crab.”
The high-strung Hysti are famous for their temperamental nature and tendency toward dramatics. However, though they may sting at a moment’s provocation, they are remarkably non-competitive. After a long history of tyranny and exploitation, the Hysti realized that if they simply shared the electrons they rely on as a source of food and energy, there would be more than enough for everyone.
Though the Hysti have evolved to full socialism, they still have a tendency to start petty feuds and sting each other. Researchers hope they may someday evolve further, and chill the fuck out.
The most human-like of all known alien species, the Coluzzen also destroyed their planet through excessive energy consumption and waste. Repenting of their ways, but too late, they live now in floating space communes. A remarkable achievement of social and technical engineering, the floating space communes function admirably—except for the occasional toxic personalities, constant meetings about house rules, and fights over whose turn it is to do the dishes.
If human beings do not want to have to live elbow-to-elbow-to-elbow-to-elbow in claustrophobic space communes, they have to turn things around very, very fast.