Current Affairs

The Five Hottest Guillotines of 2020, Ranked

Do you have revolutionary fever, or revolutionary FOMO? Order one of these top five guillotines now and be totally prepped for certain upcoming events we have been legally instructed not to reference directly.

The cutting off of heads is generally considered unseemly, but in any civilized society it’s occasionally necessary. The “who” question is easily answered, but the “how” question is trickier. A guillotine, yes, but which? Fortunately, in today’s market economy, there is a guillotine to suit every taste and personality. 

Are you a first-time guillotine-buyer who can’t make beheads or betails of all the options? Or are you just ready to upgrade from that avocado-colored Slice-o-matic from the 1970s? The technology for chopping off the heads of the bourgeois oppressors may not have changed much since the late 18th century, but the features and design have gone through a revolution (if you will). 

Without further ado, we invite you to check out our top five guillotines of 2020. Our most attentive consumer reporters have reviewed all the season’s latest models, so that when the revolution comes, you won’t find yourself unprepared—or unstylish. 

1. The Glam-otine

Art by Jason Adam Katzenstein.

More like the heads that fell to earth! This rockstar rig slashes through spines in what Pitchfork calls “an aspirational yet haunting metaphor for alienation.” It also does so literally.

2. The Guillotini

Art by Jason Adam Katzenstein.

When quarantine ends, what better way to celebrate than on the rooftop of your building with gin martinis, your fellow renters, and your landlord resting comfortably in the Guillotini’s padded lunette (because he’s been drugged before the main event)?

Note: alcohol and sedation agent not included.

3. The Slicey Boi

Art by Jason Adam Katzenstein.

The most popular model among millennials and zoomers. Billionaires’ necks go brrrr.

4. The Me-otine

Art by Jason Adam Katzenstein.

It happens. You think you hate the rich, and you do, but when you look at the raw numbers it turns out you totally qualify as a member of the 1 percent. “But I inherited that lake house from my uncle! Those are his oil stocks!” Yeah, well, you’d better give it all up or you’re going to have to give it all up, if you know what we mean.

5. The Baby Yoda

Art by Jason Adam Katzenstein.

Everybody loves Baby Yoda! This mini guillotine comes with an animatronic, life-sized, cuddly Baby Yoda that approvingly drinks real bone broth while you remove fingers from overpaid Disney execs until they agree to pay their fucking workers.

Special thanks to Maria Torres-Quevedo for the original concept of this ranking.

More In: Frivolity & Amusement

Cover of latest issue of print magazine

Announcing Our Newest Issue

Featuring

A more punctual issue than usual! But no less full of surprises and delights.

The Latest From Current Affairs