Current Affairs

Self-Congratulatory Hollywood Mix-n-Match

If you are a celebrity and need to show that you are Very Concerned, never fear! Current Affairs has you covered.

It’s time. You need to Say Something. Your fans are waiting with bated breath (so you imagine) for you to speak up about The Issues. What will you say? How will you insert yourself into the public conversation? How will you condemn the bigotry and abuse endemic to your own industry without arguing for any kind of meaningful material change? How will you continue the narrative that narrative itself is the only possible social progress? Remember: It’s risky to argue that the ultimate problem is power, so make sure you stay focused on increasing diversity (a bit, not too much) while never talking about money! If you’re involved in any kind of larger political project, such as the protest movement or universal social programs or a broad coalition of workers across industries, ick, don’t bring it up in public. You’ll make everyone uncomfortable, and that means you might never work in Hollywood again!

For (A), take the first letter of your first name (stage name). For (B), take the last letter of your last name (real name that you changed because your agent thought it was too ethnic, or too bland, or not bland enough). For (C), take the first letter of the lifestyle brand you promote the most on Instagram. For (D), take the first letter of the last name of your favorite PA (if you don’t know their name, make it up, that’s what you normally do anyway). For (E), take the first letter of the last name of your favorite artist who died poor and unrecognized.


Your Statement

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of soul-searching, and I’ve decided that *all of us* need to recognize how important it is to fight (A: social issue), and commit ourselves to (B: vague platitude) while acknowledging (C: horrible systemic problem in Hollywood). I’d like to thank (D: corporate brand) for sponsoring my new organization dedicated to fighting (A), and of course our friends, (E: military/intelligence apparatus), for their guidance and logistical support.”


A. Social Issue

A. Police brutality
B. Unemployment
C. Guns
D. Vaccines
E. Internet bullying
F. Digital piracy
G. Sea piracy
H. “Meanness”
I. Billionaire-bashing
J. Rude nannies
K. Non-keto diets
L. Russia
M. Human trafficking (sexy kind only)
N. Drones (celebrity nail polish-inspecting kind only)
O. Food deserts
P. Food comas
Q. Lack of oat milk
R. Cancel culture
S. Not enough awards shows
T. Sick children
U. Ugly children
V. Subscription boxes
W. Bitcoin volatility
X. Insufficient after-party swag bags
Y. Boring Met Gala themes
Z. Lack of diversity in TV shows starring the CIA

B. Vague Platitude

A. Awareness
B. Taking steps
C. Rolling up our sleeves
D. Doing something about it
E. Leaning in
F. Saying the word “intersectionality” a lot
G. Making terrible, self-indulgent videos
H. Diversity
I. Inclusion
J. Changing the narrative
K. Changing the world
L. Reparations (non-monetary only)
M. Learning to code
N.Sensitivity training
O. Sleep-training
P. Respecting Our Norms
Q. Civility
R. Trust falls
S. Free webinars
T. Mindfulness
U. Heartfulness
V. Vote-shaming
W. Recycling
X. Freeganism
Y. Free Goop subscriptions for all
Z. Installing solar panels on my private jet

C. Horrible Systemic Problem in Hollywood

A. Misogyny
B. Racism
C. Misogynoir
D. Homophobia
E. Transphobia
F. Islamophobia
G. Ableism
H. Ageism
I. Sexual abuse
J. Verbal abuse
K. #MeToo is still necessary
L. LA’s large homeless population
M. Gentrification
N. Constant forest fires
O. Firefighters are prison labor
P. Not enough immigration (housekeeper shortage)
Q. Not enough immigration (fruit-picker shortage)
R. Rampant inequality
S. Overworked, underpaid crewpeople
T. Overworked, not-at-all-paid crewpeople
U. Alienation
V. Corporate synergy
W. Exploding Teslas on every block
X. Everybody takes HGH
Y. Poison air
Z. Capitalist realism

D. Corporate Brand

A. Monsanto ChemiFruit
B. Raytheon Baby Mines
C. INNOCU.OS Crowd Control Services
D. FunkoCoin
E. Fyre Festival 2.0
F. Amazon City Planning
G. SpaceX Explodable Rockets
H. Scientology Humor Division
I. Hugo Boss Non-Nazi Suits
J. Lululemon Misogyny Pants
K. Instagram Influencer Factory
L. Citgo (now a division of Exxon)
M. Chiquita Profiteering Corp
N. Sunny D’s Sad Juice
O. Little Debbie’s Depression Sweets
P. Nestlé Appropo-Water
Q. Nike Slave Labor Sandals
R. Givenchy Gilded Age Luxury Bags
S. McKinsey & Company
T. HRC: Military Diversity Branch
U. Sackler Family Defense Organization
V. UberEats/UberShitWipes
W. Condé Nast Consulting & Layoff Department
X. Wells Fargo Home Cancellation Services
Y. Forever 21 Employee Endurance Challenge
Z. Ford Motor Company Masculinity Sales Co.

E. Military/Intelligence Apparatus

A. The U.S. Marines
B. The U.S. Air Force
C. The U.S. Army
D. The U.S. Navy
E. The U.S. Coast Guard (seriously)
F. The Navy SEALS
G. Death ray-equipped seals
H. The CIA
I. The FBI
J. The NSA
K. The SS
L. ICE
M. CBP
N. Space Force
O. Section 31
P. The French Foreign Legion
Q. IDF
R. IIPCF (Israel’s Imprisoning Palestinian Children Forces)
S. Saudi Arabia’s Country-Starvation Services
T. Uighur Fun Re-education Camp Counselor Committee
U. Blackwater Xe Academi Mercenary Corps
V. DynCorp Global Private Security Repression Forces
W. Caterpillar Home Bulldozing Services
X. The NYPD Tank Division
Y. Chicago PD Black Sites Inc.
Z. Mar-a-Lago Resort Security

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